“It’s not you, it’s me.”
I know we all hate this saying, but I am going to have to say he’s 100% on point this time. If your guy keeps you on a thread and refuses to commit to a relationship with you, then this is definitely on him.
This is a toxic relationship, and I have been there. Before I met my husband, I was in an on-off relationship with a guy that I believed was the ‘one.’ And boy, was I wrong.
I was stuck in a bad place. Every time I decided that this was it, I wasn’t going to do this to myself again, and I was going to throw in the towel, he would swoop in with his big brown eyes and convince me to stay.
Let me tell you, being wanted is a fantastic feeling, but realizing that someone wants you around, but not as a soulmate, can do some serious damage to your heart and confidence.
If you feel like a rubber band (like I did), being stretched too far, and you’re almost at breaking point, with no hope of a happy ending in sight, then maybe it’s time you relooked at your relationship with this guy.
Who is actually benefiting from this? Because it certainly isn’t you.
Before diving into the reasons why he keeps you around, let’s stop and take a look at some of the hurtful signs that you should pick up on if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
3 Hurtful Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You
I know it isn’t easy to look out for these signs, but it does make it a lot easier to figure out where you stand in your relationship (or friendship) with him.
Here are a few obvious signs that got me thinking when I was in an on-off relationship:
You’re Just a Friend
When your guy introduces you to his friends or family (if he has even done that yet), what does he call you?
A colleague from work?
Does he simply introduce you without a label?
Or does he look like a deer in headlights, stammers with “uhms” and “aahs,” and looks like he’d be anywhere other than here, needing to call you something … anything?
If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, then it’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t see you as anything more than a friend.
He’s Hardly Available
Whenever you need him, he is unavailable, but you know for a fact that he is going to parties with friends or attending family functions. Do you feel you are close enough that you could call him at any time, and he would drop everything to help you?
You’re Not the Only One
If he openly talks about other women in front of you, and clearly doesn’t take your feelings into consideration or is totally oblivious to your reaction, then I am sorry to say it, but he certainly doesn’t consider your friendship as anything more.
7 Reasons Why He Keeps You Around
I wish back then I knew what I know now. I regret spending so much time pining over a man that was (to put it bluntly) just using me. I couldn’t see it at the time, as my own feelings blinded me and I really wanted us to work out.
Each time he pulled me in closer, I found it harder and harder to see what we were. In retrospect, I kinda wish he had just been honest with me and put me out of my misery by telling me exactly how he felt instead of building up my hopes and disappointing me every time with his Jedi mind games.
I have compiled 7 reasons that helped me see that he was just keeping his options open and didn’t want to take our relationship up a level. Use these 7 reasons to understand your own situation.
1. You Are the Rebound
Finding out that you are the rebound hurts like hell (#understatement) and can leave you feeling confused and very lonely. Being a rebound is not all bad. Often, the sex is good, but the emotional connection is non-existent (and that’s what really counts).
In my experience, you only find out that you are the rebound a few months after you have started ‘seeing’ someone. Not everyone opens up about their past relationships straight away, but there are a few telltale signs to watch out for:
2. He Has Too Much Baggage
We all come with baggage, and some of us carry a heavier load than others. Your man might be holding onto a past relationship that involved cheating and lying, and for that reason, he just can’t seem to commit or trust another person.
He may have childhood trauma that he hasn’t worked through, which keeps spilling over into your ‘relationship.’ Sadly, divorce is also a big reason why people can’t move on, especially when children are involved. If this is the case, he might feel unsure or guilty for his kid’s sake.
Regardless of his baggage, his insecurities will make him keep you close as he doesn’t want you to leave, but he also doesn’t want you to stay (talk about a rollercoaster ride).
3. It’s Just About the Sex
You may be a goddess in the bedroom, and he genuinely enjoys being intimate with you, but sometimes all he feels is lust, whereas your feelings are so much more than that. By the time I found out that it was all about the sex for him, I was already knee-deep in feelings, and it broke my heart.
I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him (or anyone) and I felt used and hurt. Do you feel the same? And then he visits again and sweeps you off your feet once more. This is a hard cycle to break, as you obviously want to be around him.
4. He Can’t Be Alone
Probably one of the worst reasons is that he just can’t face being alone, even if it’s at your expense. Some men aren’t comfortable being alone, and if he isn’t keen on having a relationship with you (even though he wants you close), he is obviously lonely.
Clearly, he has a void in his life, and he needs your company to fill it. The hard truth is you might also be lonely (and who can blame you), and that’s why you are allowing this to carry on while knowing that it’s never going anywhere.
5. You’ve Been Friend-Zoned
OMG! There are so many movies based on this one reason, and that’s because it’s a common issue in relationships where guys (and ladies, for that matter) don’t commit to relationships. When you are put in the friend zone, it can come as a shock.
The friend zone is no one’s friend and an awful place to be, especially if one of you has feelings for the other.
My partner at the time refused to be in a relationship as I was his “buddy” (#shockhorror).
6. He’s Living in the Past
Another reason why he keeps you around is that he is stuck on the past version of you. Maybe you were the life of the party and spontaneous when you were younger, but now you have a steady job and other commitments.
Your guy might keep you around because he doesn’t know how to move on. Maybe you were romantically involved before, and it never took off then.
7. He’s Into You, But Just Not Like That
One of the reasons that hurt the most was finally accepting that he did like me, but just not in a romantic way. This realization didn’t happen overnight, and sure, I should have protected my heart better, especially when he spoke about other women in front of me.
The worst part was he did tell me on a few occasions that I was his best friend (there’s that word again), and he was so glad I was in his life (argh, the guilt).
If you notice that he’s treating you more like a good friend rather than a girlfriend, then he does like you, but just not in a romantic way. This fact can be disappointing, especially if he made you feel special and wanted. Unfortunately, men do send mixed signals, and it’s not easy when you misinterpret them.
Last Thoughts on Him Keeping You Around With No Commitment
Now that you’ve gone through all these reasons why he’s keeping you around, you might realize that you are closing yourself off to potentially meeting your soulmate while this guy is simply keeping his options open.
You can’t hang around waiting for him to get over his issues – that could take years!
The fact that he is playing mind games with you and stringing you along with false hope is cruel and unfair. Besides, if you were really in the friend zone, shouldn’t he care about your feelings?
At the end of the day, you have to decide how much of this you are willing to put up with. Obviously, if you feel things will change, then stick it out. As for me, I decided to move on with my life with someone who wasn’t just keeping me around as a backup plan.